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13 Ridiculously Tactical Items

News  July 14 2010
 — By Jeanette Kozlowski
13 Ridiculously Tactical Items

“Is there a more overused word than the word ‘tactical’ nowadays?”

This question, posed on Kel-Tec Owner’s Group forum in February, further proves that “tactical” is indeed the buzzword darling of the gear and guns industry. Therefore, it’s only natural for that word to be applied to some traditionally non-tactical products, which has created a recent onslaught of the most ridiculously tactical items in the world.

And at the other end of the spectrum? OK, some included on this list are truly tactical products that will blow your mind with radical ingenuity.

With that said, we’d like to give a special shout-out to one of our favorite bloggers Say Uncle, who pointed to many items below and always keeps an eye out for tactical insanity.

1. Tactical Energy Drink – With a heavy dose of carbonated water and high fructose corn syrup, Thor Global Defense Group’s energy drink packs a tactical punch with taurine, guarana and ginseng. That’s enough to keep any tactical ninja kicking.

2. Tactical Paper – What exactly makes paper tactical? Good question. Firstly, the paper must have a green or desert-tan tint, because white sheets would certainly alert enemies to you location. Secondly, it must be able to withstand any inclement weather. And for just $28.95, this tactical all-weather copier paper can all be yours.

3. Tactical First Aid Kits – During a medical emergency, it’s best to turn to a tactical first aid kit rather than some old run-of-the-mill kit. The difference? Absolutely nothing. That is, unless you step up and spend the big bucks for a Tactical Medical Solutions R-Aid Bag. For $265, it includes materials for hemorrhage control, airway management, penetrating chest trauma and more.

4. Tactical iPhone Case – And you thought having a 3G or 3GS still was completely untactical. Beef it up with a MagPul Field Case, which appears to be back ordered until infinity.

5. Tactical Car – For a toootally reasonable $295K, you can own the most luxurious and tactical car ever created. It’s bulletproof, biofueled and built by hand. Oh, and there are only 100 out there.


6. Tactical Bacon – The Internet’s love affair with bacon doesn’t end at tactical. If you haven’t checked out this canned bacon or viewed the taste testing videos, it’s a must-see.


7. Tactical Blinky Balls – Say what?! Designed specifically for police officers, these tactical balls roll on the ground to distract and disorient criminals—because who doesn’t get flustered when they see bright blinking balls? Don’t answer. With 20 hours of light, the mobile illumination device comes in a three pack along with a handy storage belt.

8. Tactical Speakers – Nothing says tactical like a Kevlar boom box. Seriously.


9. Tactical Golf Cart – This is probably something you wouldn’t use during a regular 18-hole game. That is, unless someone invites a terrorist. The $45,000 armored golf cart developed by MetalTech was built to endure grenade blasts and gunfire.

10. Tactical Contacts – While a little demonic looking, performance-enhancing contact lenses have been compared to wearing sunglasses without having to actually do so. It also assists athletes in picking up extreme visual details like the seams of a baseball while at bat. If it can do all that, imagine how these contacts could help while on patrol.


11. Tactical Corset – Featured in such high-brow publications as The New York Times, tactical corsets elicit eye rolls from many in the tactical community. But for fashionistas? They’ll definitely give it a shot.

12. Tactical Toiletry Bag – How do you tactical up a toiletry bag? Simply add 1050-Denier water- and abrasion-resistant ballistic nylon, mix in some Dupont Teflon, a touch of Duraflex nylon, stir in some bar-tacks, and tah-dah … it’s tactical!


13. Tactical Cheese Holster – At this point anything can be tactical, right? This one looks real, but we truly doubt its authenticity. And if it’s not? Well, that just stinks.

Did we leave out your favorite tactical item? Leave a link in the comments section, and we’ll be sure to post it.

(13) Readers Comments

  1. Pingback: 13 More Ridiculously Tactical Items | Tactical Gear News

  2. Pingback: What Does The Word Tactical Mean To You? « Galls Blog

  3. These are hilarious! We’re just curious… is tactical bacon better than regular ol’ bacon? Because we’re huge fans of the old fashioned variety.

  4. Time to step up to the #future. DAMPS #Technology #SmartBoots. Make sure your #boots #work for you. #investment #tip http://www.damps.com USA/World

  5. The Ka-Bar Tactical Pistol Bayonet. Y’know, for when you need to stab things with your pistol.

  6. For the record the we had that very Tactical vehicle in Iraq and they were recalled due to the manufacture taking short cuts on the Armour! I believe he was subsequently investigated and jailed for fraud

  7. “Is there a more overused word than the word ‘tactical’ nowadays?”

    Yes. ‘Racist’.

  8. There is tactical string to keep your keys tactically handy (literally), and in case you need the devastating martial arts awesomeness that is car keys.
    http://moderncombativesystems.com/docs/shop_tt.htm

  9. Number 13, the Tatical Cheese holder is a real thing, however, it was made as a joke by someone who hand makes uniforms and uniform accessories.

  10. That one’s pretty sweet… !

  11. http://stores.channeladvisor.com/Stillwater-Kilts/Items/SWK-SPRN-NS1?&caSKU=SWK-SPRN-NS1&caTitle=Stillwater%20Kilts%20Nylon%20Cargo%20Sporran

    Tactical sporran – from the link:

    The padded main compartment can hold nearly anything, like a digital camera, or a thick paperback book or portable CD player, or perhaps a good-sized flask, and it’s the perfect place to stow your trusty 9-Millimeter!

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